Choosing to Love

Alright, here it is. I had to write about love sooner or later. It is a hard topic for me to write about and expect everyone to understand. Everyone has their own perceptions and ideas about what it is, what they need it to be. I've always been "in love" with the idea of being in love. The spark, the initial connection, the butterflies. Even though I know that having an actual relationship is much harder than just being attracted to someone, I have always believed in "love at first sight." And even if it never happened to me, I imagined it happening for someone, somewhere. As I have grown as a person, I still believe, but not with the same innocence I had before.

Love can be very romantic. This is initial love, the obsession stage, the actual "falling in love." This sort of love doesn't last. Before I offend anyone, let me clarify myself. Sexual desire can last throughout your life, but the idea that your mate can do no wrong doesn't. They will leave their socks on the floor, forget to take out the trash, and do a million other things that annoy you. Being in actual, true love is hard work. The kind of love that sustains through time requires more choice and reason. I choose this person and I choose to make them happy--whatever that takes. The tingles are great, and I do think that they can last forever; and yet... Love isn't that simple. Anyone who has had a one-sided crush or had unrequited feelings for someone can tell you that. Just as you can't make the initial infatuation appear where it isn't, you also can't force someone to truly care about what it takes to make you happy. Love has to be selfless. This is hard--as humans we are innately selfish and egocentric. To put someone else's needs and desires before your own, to chose to love them, requires daily effort. I believe that to truly love another person, you have to commit to doing it daily.

I still believe in the idea of a "soulmate" and that there is someone that can make you happier than anyone else can. But your soulmate has to decide that they see something in you worth loving. They have to choose to love you. The reason this is so difficult is because people feel loved by different means. What is enough for one person, isn't for another. What one person needs, their partner may not be able or willing to give. One partner can wind up feeling emotionally abandoned by the other. If each partner cannot or won't give to the other selflessly, the love is destined to fail.

This is empowering! It means that you can have love in a relationship that struggles, as long as both partners are willing to give. It also means that if one relationship ends you can have faith that another will succeed if you find a partner who sees something in you that is worth loving. It gives me hope that someday, someone will not only fall in love with me, but will also make the choice to love me too.