Loving the Olympics

I just LOVE the Olympics! How can you not? Once every other year the most amazing athletes in the world get to show off and compete in a world-wide arena. And really, you don't even have to be a sports fan to appreciate them. How cool is it just from a "people can really do that?!?!?" point of view? My son, Sam, is in love too. "Mom, do you wish you could do that too?" "Mom, wasn't that awesome?" "Mom, the USA won another gold medal!" It could be in underwater basket weaving for all he cares, he is enthralled.

I keep ruining some of the suspense for myself. Last night when I was checking e-mail, MSNBC spoiled the men's 4 by 100 relay win for me. And yet, as I watched it later that night I was still on the edge of my seat. They were behind by so much! Maybe I saw it wrong (like 5 times) on the Internet. Maybe the USA doesn't win...but they did! I whooped and hollered like Michael Phelps and the others were MY teammates and friends. I do have a personal connection to swimming; it was my sport of choice for four years of high school and two of college. But it DOESN'T MATTER people! That was some exciting action!

At the risk of sounding sappy, I also like the personal stories they throw in about the athletes. It does make it more interesting to learn about the older gymnast from Germany who had left her home country to get treatment for her son's leukemia. And the love triangle between the Italian and French swimmers and his new girlfriend (who had recently broken his ex-girlfriend's 400 free record) made that race more fun to watch (both girls placed poorly). But, once again, it is the sheer incredibleness of the athletes, the record-breaking, the long-shots who pull through on a dream and a prayer--that is what I love.

Would I think it was so great if the Olympics happened more often? Surely not. But I would stop short of saying that the Olympics could ever be ordinary. Dara Torres, the oldest woman to ever make the US Olympic swimming team, ordinary? Michael Phelps, ready to break Mark Spitz and Carl Lewis' records as the winningest Olympian in history, ordinary? No...but I am still glad that it only comes every other year. Not for my own personal excitement or build-up, but because it makes me appreciate the athleticism and drive of the athletes even that much more. These Americans and other world citizens train their entire lives in hopes that they will receive recognition for their country. They are dedicated and disciplined in ways that are surreal to a recreational athlete like me. Because I am an athlete, I can understand the want to be the best you can be...but to actually get there on an Olympic level, it is rare and amazing.

As I write, Natalie Coughlin is on the podium crying to our national anthem as she is awarded a gold medal for backstroke. Turn it on...this is as inspiring as it gets!

Potential of Selfishness

How do responsibility and the "right amount" of selfishness coexist? As a parent, this was a struggle for me. I love my little people, but as they grow I have discovered that they are not going to suffer from lack of love just because I went to get a hair cut or because I took a bubble bath. I no longer worry about this aspect of selfishness. I know that I am a good mom. I would even venture to say that I am a great mom. My children are wonderful beings. They are respectful, well mannered, fun-loving, smart, creative, and most importantly, happy. They are secure with themselves because they trust me and their dad to be there for them, no matter what. I have been thinking non-stop about priorities lately. Other people's priorities, my own priorities. If I had to list my own, number one would be to love and be loved. To have a person believe in me, respect me, and love me for who I am without making judgments. My children, and all that comes along with them, would be number two. From there on out it gets fuzzy for me. Obviously health (mine and my family's), family, friendships, and financial security are on the list. But if the first two are there and in order, I feel like the rest falls into place. So now, back to selfishness. If the first priority on your list is not there, not being met, is it okay to be selfish and demand it be? Is it a deal-breaker? Is it weak and cowardly if you live daily life without it? Yes!!! That word won't stop flashing through my head when I ask myself those questions. And yet....the repercussions from that decision leave me overwhelmed. What does this mean? Does this mean I am being "too" selfish? Does this mean I am willing to alter the course of my childrens lives for my own happiness? But then, what am I truly teaching them if I don't demand happiness for myself? Am I being the teacher, the protector, the nurturer, the mother that I have always thought that I was? I have messed up a million times in my life. I will mess up a million more. I have a choice to make. This choice could potentially make me happier than I have ever been before. I know it will also hurt. If I go down, I want to go down swinging. I want to be respected for following my heart. I want my legacy to be one of a woman who went after what she knew was out there waiting for her to find. And if I never find it, that is okay too because at least I will know that it was important enough to me to give up everything to try. And look at what could happen if I do find it, if it is out there for me....the potential is amazing, exciting, and worth taking a chance on.

Choosing to Love

Alright, here it is. I had to write about love sooner or later. It is a hard topic for me to write about and expect everyone to understand. Everyone has their own perceptions and ideas about what it is, what they need it to be. I've always been "in love" with the idea of being in love. The spark, the initial connection, the butterflies. Even though I know that having an actual relationship is much harder than just being attracted to someone, I have always believed in "love at first sight." And even if it never happened to me, I imagined it happening for someone, somewhere. As I have grown as a person, I still believe, but not with the same innocence I had before.

Love can be very romantic. This is initial love, the obsession stage, the actual "falling in love." This sort of love doesn't last. Before I offend anyone, let me clarify myself. Sexual desire can last throughout your life, but the idea that your mate can do no wrong doesn't. They will leave their socks on the floor, forget to take out the trash, and do a million other things that annoy you. Being in actual, true love is hard work. The kind of love that sustains through time requires more choice and reason. I choose this person and I choose to make them happy--whatever that takes. The tingles are great, and I do think that they can last forever; and yet... Love isn't that simple. Anyone who has had a one-sided crush or had unrequited feelings for someone can tell you that. Just as you can't make the initial infatuation appear where it isn't, you also can't force someone to truly care about what it takes to make you happy. Love has to be selfless. This is hard--as humans we are innately selfish and egocentric. To put someone else's needs and desires before your own, to chose to love them, requires daily effort. I believe that to truly love another person, you have to commit to doing it daily.

I still believe in the idea of a "soulmate" and that there is someone that can make you happier than anyone else can. But your soulmate has to decide that they see something in you worth loving. They have to choose to love you. The reason this is so difficult is because people feel loved by different means. What is enough for one person, isn't for another. What one person needs, their partner may not be able or willing to give. One partner can wind up feeling emotionally abandoned by the other. If each partner cannot or won't give to the other selflessly, the love is destined to fail.

This is empowering! It means that you can have love in a relationship that struggles, as long as both partners are willing to give. It also means that if one relationship ends you can have faith that another will succeed if you find a partner who sees something in you that is worth loving. It gives me hope that someday, someone will not only fall in love with me, but will also make the choice to love me too.

I'll Still Be Me

I remember, one day many years ago, my college roommate and I said, "Let's go to San Diego." We left when she got off work and spent the night driving, drinking coffee, singing at the top of our lungs with the sun roof open and entertaining ourselves by flirting with all-night truck drivers. We arrived at 2:30 in the morning, crashed for a few hours and headed down to Tijuana. We stayed in a dive hotel, spent hours at the beach and drank Coors Lights. I know we called in sick to work and cut classes. We spent money we didn't have and had A BLAST!

When did I become a person with so many responsibilities? I went from a carefree girl to a woman with two kids, two mortgages and an SUV. I go from soccer practice to golf lessons and wouldn't dream of having the kids skip school unless they were REALLY sick (if you're not puking or don't have a fever of at least 102 degrees, you are going to school)! I have a calendar that I actually write appointments on...and keep them. I make advance plans for coffee dates and girl's nights. It's hard to call in sick to work now that my job is caring for two energetic boys who don't like to sit still for a haircut, let alone a "mom break."

And yet, I challenge you to believe me when I say that I am still the same girl. The dreamer who still hasn't fully settled into her life. The one who could stay up all night and still at least partially function the next day. I might take responsibility for my mistakes now, but I still make them. I know when enough is enough and can look forward with no regrets. I still believe in myself and have hopes for my future. No, I won't ever be 18 again. That isn't a bad thing! The amount of growing I have done in the last 15 years is irreplaceable. From the outside looking in you won't see the same girl you saw then or even who I was at 25. But in my heart and in all the ways that matter to me, I am the same. I might go on vacations with friends that are more well-planned than the spontaneous trip to San Diego, but I also don't have to stay in a Motel 6 or drink Coors Light anymore. And let's face it, I would still drive all night, only stopping for coffee. I still sing at the top of my lungs with my hair blowing in the wind and I would definitely flirt with passing truck drivers!

As I've grown older I have grown more confident in who I am too. Back then, I would wait for a boy to call me, I was shy about making friends, and I was self-conscious in my own skin. Now I choose to make a daily effort to look forward with no regrets. When I meet someone new and have a connection with them, we exchange phone numbers. If neither of us calls, I don't sweat it. If we do and develop a friendship...that is great too. I say how I feel without worrying about whether the person I am talking to will like me less. I care about people deeply and without conditions. Those who really love me for me and for the girl that I have always been stick close. They don't judge my feelings, instead, they take them for what they are; mine! They respect me and choose to love me because they want to, not because they have to.

So I have responsibilities now...so what? At the end of the day, I'll still be me. The same girl from whom laughter flows as freely as tears, who is passionate about the people I love, and who will always be a carefree dreamer...with no regrets or apologies. I'll still be me.

Fall into Me

Picking up pieces. Moving forward. Trying not to look back, but knowing that it is inevitable and healthy if you sometimes do. In my heart, I know the sun will shine again, but I don't know when.

My new favorite song (there is always a new favorite) is by Sugarland, entitled "Fall Into Me." A line from the song:

Fall into me.
My arms are open wide and you don't have to say a word.
Because I already see
That it's hard and
You're scared and
You're tired and
It hurts and
I wanna be the one you reach for first.

Even though I know that I don't need to be rescued or saved and that I will eventually be okay, I would give so much for someone to say that to me right now. It is hard. I am scared and tired. It does hurt. I don't want to make any more life-altering decisions right now. I just can't. I've done my fair share.

I am moving on the 30th. How do you divvy your life up? Some things are easy. I am taking the spare bed, my clothes, the computer. But, how do you separate your dreams? Who gets to keep the feeling of home? How do you tell your children that despite your immense love for them, you are going to completely turn their world upside-down? What about the memories...the hopes...the future? Who gets to keep that? The profound sadness at the loss of what I imagined my life to be has started to sink in. I am helpless to change things. I have been abandoned and now I need to pick up the pieces of my life on my own.

But it's hard. And I'm scared. And I'm tired. And it hurts...