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How do responsibility and the "right amount" of selfishness coexist? As a parent, this was a struggle for me. I love my little people, but as they grow I have discovered that they are not going to suffer from lack of love just because I went to get a hair cut or because I took a bubble bath. I no longer worry about this aspect of selfishness. I know that I am a good mom. I would even venture to say that I am a great mom. My children are wonderful beings. They are respectful, well mannered, fun-loving, smart, creative, and most importantly, happy. They are secure with themselves because they trust me and their dad to be there for them, no matter what.
I have been thinking non-stop about priorities lately. Other people's priorities, my own priorities. If I had to list my own, number one would be to love and be loved. To have a person believe in me, respect me, and love me for who I am without making judgments. My children, and all that comes along with them, would be number two. From there on out it gets fuzzy for me. Obviously health (mine and my family's), family, friendships, and financial security are on the list. But if the first two are there and in order, I feel like the rest falls into place. So now, back to selfishness. If the first priority on your list is not there, not being met, is it okay to be selfish and demand it be? Is it a deal-breaker? Is it weak and cowardly if you live daily life without it?
Yes!!! That word won't stop flashing through my head when I ask myself those questions. And yet....the repercussions from that decision leave me overwhelmed. What does this mean? Does this mean I am being "too" selfish? Does this mean I am willing to alter the course of my childrens lives for my own happiness? But then, what am I truly teaching them if I don't demand happiness for myself? Am I being the teacher, the protector, the nurturer, the mother that I have always thought that I was?
I have messed up a million times in my life. I will mess up a million more. I have a choice to make. This choice could potentially make me happier than I have ever been before. I know it will also hurt. If I go down, I want to go down swinging. I want to be respected for following my heart. I want my legacy to be one of a woman who went after what she knew was out there waiting for her to find. And if I never find it, that is okay too because at least I will know that it was important enough to me to give up everything to try. And look at what could happen if I do find it, if it is out there for me....the potential is amazing, exciting, and worth taking a chance on.
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