Fall into Me

Picking up pieces. Moving forward. Trying not to look back, but knowing that it is inevitable and healthy if you sometimes do. In my heart, I know the sun will shine again, but I don't know when.

My new favorite song (there is always a new favorite) is by Sugarland, entitled "Fall Into Me." A line from the song:

Fall into me.
My arms are open wide and you don't have to say a word.
Because I already see
That it's hard and
You're scared and
You're tired and
It hurts and
I wanna be the one you reach for first.

Even though I know that I don't need to be rescued or saved and that I will eventually be okay, I would give so much for someone to say that to me right now. It is hard. I am scared and tired. It does hurt. I don't want to make any more life-altering decisions right now. I just can't. I've done my fair share.

I am moving on the 30th. How do you divvy your life up? Some things are easy. I am taking the spare bed, my clothes, the computer. But, how do you separate your dreams? Who gets to keep the feeling of home? How do you tell your children that despite your immense love for them, you are going to completely turn their world upside-down? What about the memories...the hopes...the future? Who gets to keep that? The profound sadness at the loss of what I imagined my life to be has started to sink in. I am helpless to change things. I have been abandoned and now I need to pick up the pieces of my life on my own.

But it's hard. And I'm scared. And I'm tired. And it hurts...

The Power of Words

Pain. Raw, crushing, suffocating pain. Aching and burning to the core.

When I was little the things that caused me the most internal pain were things. Things that I wanted, but didn't get. Things that I thought mattered. Along the way I lived and learned. Things don't cause me pain anymore. Somehow, somewhere I learned that things don't carry the importance I had placed on them. Don't get me wrong, I would be sad if my family photos were lost in a fire, but I know that those memories aren't tied to the pictures. I actually lived those moments and had those experiences and I could go back to them in my mind if I had to.

These days, the only things that cause me pain are people. People's words. Their actions. The things they do and don't say. The words that they say in anger or in love, not understanding that both can affect deeply. Do you or do you not choose to believe them? They were spoken, but does that give them meaning?

When you have children, you learn to not be affected by some of what they say. They are innocently observing and absorbing the world. My son, Austin, asked me a few days ago if I was going to die first or daddy?
"I don't know who will die first." He has always thought that death went in age order. Grandma's and grandpa's die first, then daddies and mommies, then Sam.
He responded this time by saying, "I hope you die first, so that way Daddy will stay home more." There was never a minute that I was offended by what he said. I know that in his mind, that is the only way daddy won't travel so much for work. This seemingly hurtful comment caused me no pain.

And yet, as I write, I am living and dealing with the pain of words spoken two years ago. I've heard many quotations on the power of words. One, by Ralph Ellison, "If the word has the potency to revive and make us free, it has also the power to blind, imprison and destroy." The problem with words is that once they are spoken, they can't be taken back. And to a degree, most of what is said by people has some ounce of truth in it. So here is the big decision: Do you let those words have power over you? If you do, does it make you a weak person? Do you let them imprison and destroy you?

I can't go through my life believing that someone's spoken words define who I am. People get mad, angry, frustrated. I've said things that I have later regretted. Even if the words were meant to be taken exactly as spoken, words won't ever make me the person that I am. But they obviously still have power...they cause pain, raw and crushing; aching and burning. But then eventually, they will also allow me to revive and be free.